Challenges & Encouragement Work Together

May is Mental Health Month so we asked our family therapists what they’ve been talking about with kids and families. Julie Foster, LCSW, shared something she has been discussing with parents of kids who struggle with anxiety.

“One thing I tell them is to use a both…and approach: finding ways to support and encourage their child while also challenging them. You can agree that there are some real reasons to be nervous. Be sure to show lots of affection and affirmation toward your child. BUT ALSO push them to do the thing they’re afraid of, like go out for that sport/club that they are secretly interested in, learn to swim, or invite a friend to hang out.” 

Kids benefit from both a push to do something that makes them nervous and encouragement. Validating their feelings that it is scary to try something for the first time while reminding them you’ll be present to support them helps create a new script in their brain: “this is hard, but I can try it.”

Know your kid’s temperament.

Every child’s temperament is different, and some kids are more anxious than others. It’s essential that we teach kids with a more anxious temperament how to manage their feelings and how to try difficult things despite their fears. We don’t want to send the message to our kids that it is too hard for them and they can’t do it. Instead, we want to tell them they’ll be ok, success is found in trying, and we’re here to support them.

Normalize learning new things.

Kids will say, “I’m not good at it; I don’t want to try.” But it’s not that they’re not good at it; they’ve never done it before. It’s important to explain that not knowing how to do something is not the same thing as not being good at it. That’s true for math, reading, and many other skills. Those skills build on themselves every single day. The more you work at it, the more your mastery of that skill will grow. 

Boost Confidence.

As parents, sometimes we don’t want our kids to face difficulty, so we might jump in and fix things too quickly. Instead, try to focus on teaching them how to navigate a situation and helping them grow instead of rescuing them from difficulty. Kids can often do more than we think – or they think! – they can do. It’s a big confidence booster for kids to learn to become competent at something. Mastering small things, like emptying the dishwasher, can help them to feel competent and confident.

Things to say. 

What to say to a kid trying something new:

  • “It’s ok to feel nervous or even scared when you’re trying something new.”
  • “It’s ok to make a lot of mistakes and learn as you go. You don’t have to be good at this because it’s a brand-new skill.”
  • Talk through what to expect and rehearse what it might look like. That could be “at swim lessons, you will get in the water and practice blowing bubbles, then you’ll practice kicking, and then start other skills. You won’t just jump in and start swimming right away.” Or, “When you walk into a room with a bunch of kids you don’t know, you can find an open seat and ask the kid next to you if they have been here before.”

This Mental Health Month try the “both and” strategy with the kids in your life. And remember, it’s ok to make mistakes and learn as you go. You don’t have to be good at this right away, it’s a new skill.